It is painfully obvious that I am a master procrastinator due to the fact it has been about seven months since my last post. I have been working slowly on a couple of writing projects but when it comes to Spartan Poker I have done virtually nothing. Part of the reason I have neglected my site is because I'm starting to rethink what I want it to be. However, I digress and that is a subject for another time. So.....
...Back to the point of this piece! Last year on Facebook I was posting random facts about myself. In order to write something on here I decided to search my timeline and post those tidbits to reach the four people that actually bother reading what I write. Here we go with the David facts 1: I have abandonment issues 2: I celebrated my 21st Birthday at Chuck E. Cheese's, with a stop at Denny's afterwards. 
3: When I was two I peed in an electrical outlet. It blew out the power in the apartments, burned the wall and obviously it wasn't too beneficial to me.
 4: I once tried to catch an elf that was spying on me. He was hiding in my closet and wore a glowing green cap. I nearly caught him but my Mother interrupted my quest as I was tearing apart my closet. It should be noted that I was 5 and had a high fever due to Chickenpox. This may have also contributed to my inability of catching said elf.
5: In the unusually cold Winter of ‘89, while skipping school, two other idiots and myself decided to drive on the frozen Ohop Lake. After driving onto the lake we got out and celebrated our sad victory by doing a partial sliding Chinese fire drill. While in mid "whoop", the ice started to groan and crack. We quickly tried to drive off the lake but had no traction. As the noise of the ice was getting louder we used the only thing we could find that would give us any traction.....My P.E. clothes.
The lesson? Never drive on a frozen lake without shorts and a t-shirt.
6: Once, in the late 90's, a good friend and I came up with a "Master Plan" on how to meet women. We thought " Where will a lot of women be and with little competition?" Then it hit us. We would go camping at Vantage, Washington....during Lilith Fair! It was fool proof! Well, when we got there we must have been surrounded by a few hundred women at the campsite. RESULT! It turns out that there was a small problem with our Master Plan......
Apparently Lilith Fair draws a pretty large Lesbian crowd. Lesson? Never make a Master Plan when you've been drinking. Also, wait until the hangover is completely gone the next day before you enact the Master Plan. You don't want to end up 3 hours from home, stuck in a desert, surrounded by hundreds of man hating lesbians. 7: When I was a kid we were playing with fireworks. We had already blew up matchbox cars, G.I. Joe's and Star Wars figures. We were looking to create a huge finale and were now trying to figure out how to make bigger explosions with more "flash". Naturally gasoline became the obvious choice. After liberating some gasoline from a few lawnmowers and a go kart, we went back to our place of business. Before we knew it, we had somehow caught the swamp on fire. Trying to put it out, we brilliantly decided to use big rocks to splash the water and put out the flames. This only angered the Swamp Gods more and made the fire bigger. Talk about being scared! I must have panicked to the point where I blacked out because to this day I have no idea how we put the fire out. All I remember is us all hiding in one of our forts in the woods for hours and not saying anything. I don't think we ever talked about it again. Lesson? Kids are really stupid.
8: Having attended Catholic school, I was I beaten twice by an Nun with a leather razor strop, once in the second grade and the other time in the fourth. The Nun in question was quite old, mean and scared the hell out of me. It ruined what could have been a perfectly good fantasy for later in life.
Lesson? Don't piss off a Nun that carries a leather razor strop in a big manila envelope.  9: There have been no less than 9 redheads that have destroyed or scared me for all eternity. Addiction to the pale skinned freckled succubus is a lifelong struggle for me. Lesson/advice? Stay away from the soulless gingers. *It should be noted that this is purely a "Do as I say, not as I do" piece of advice. 10: I like boobies!  11: When it comes to movies I'm a huge science fiction fan, love westerns and historical epics. There is a also a vicious rumor that I have a weakness for romance/comedies. THIS IS UNTRUE!! It is not my fault that Notting Hill, Love actually, When Harry met Sally, You've Got Mail, Splash, The Princess Diaries, Four Weddings and a Funeral, Groundhogs Day, Mr. & Mrs. Smith, My Best Friend’s Wedding, Fools Rush In, Zack and Miri Make a Porno, The Truth About Cats & Dogs, There's Something About Mary, 10 Things I Hate About You, Sweet Home Alabama, Breakfast at Tiffany's, Romancing the Stone, My Big Fat Greek Wedding, Hitch, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Grosse Pointe Blank, High Fidelity, Sleepless In Seattle, The Shop Around the Corner and Pretty Woman all happen to be some of the best movies ever. Sure, there MIGHT be a teeny tiny super small fraction of these movies that just happen to involve some silly "romantic" aspect to them. But that can't be used against me...right? 
12: "My strange and messed up brain."
I have suffered six bad concussions over the years, and a few minor ones. The two worst of which were.. A) When I was a kid at Clyde's Water Slide in Puyallup. As I was in the tube section somehow my mat slowed me down and I got stuck, a kid came flying through and ran into me. I remember him coming around the bend and the next thing I remember was waking up in the pool section at the end of the slide and people pulling me out of the water. B) Was in 1993. My girlfriend and I were at Lija and Yvonne's house on 6th Ave with a few other friends. We were being idiots and chasing each other around the house. I went into the hallway/bedroom and closed the door. As I tried to peek through the keyhole,Yvonne came flying through the door slamming the door knob into my head. I saw a galaxy of stars and briefly things went black. I didn't go to the hospital for this one but I knew I had a concussion. I was extremely out of it and had problems for hours afterwards. I didn't know where I was at times and everything was foggy. I didn't tell them how bad it was but it must have been obvious. I have had many more minor concussions, and to this day still manage to hit my head more than the average klutz. It has been speculated that all these may have strongly contributed to some of my problems....memory issues, headaches, Bipolar (not self diagnosed, which seems to be the common thing these days) ,Panic attacks, et al. Other strange brain issues? I am Agoraphobic. Occasional OCD. I have spent up to an hour before, going from my car to the front door because I would keep having to check to make sure I locked the door even though I knew I had. I have done the opposite too, going back to my car multiple times to make sure it was locked. I will go through bouts of wiping or washing my hands over and over. Sometimes when I read I have to repeat a word many times before I can continue reading. I also have Synesthesia (which is kind of cool and not something that is dangerous or life altering). Mine is in spatial sequencing and number form. I view days, weeks, months and years as a continual winding shape. Yet at the same time decades look different than years, years look different than months, months look different than days....et al (Time is actually an up/down experience and not a winding form like everything else ) Lesson? There is none. I just happened spend 20 minutes trying to remember someone's name and also had a small panic attack earlier. It made me think of my messed up brain and all those times I hit my head. Perhaps I should wear a helmet at all times? 13: I am 100% anti raisin, and anti mushroom. I am also highly suspicious of tomatoes. 14: I have had the theme song to The A-Team stuck in my head for over 13 years. I hum it at least 10 times a week, sometimes for hours on end. I don't know why, I just do. 15: I despise the original Free Credit Score .com band with a passion, almost as much as I despise raisins. Hell.... MORE than raisins! Bastards! 
16: In 1978, at the age of five, one of my favorite shows was The Incredible Hulk.
I had a hard time making friends when I was a little kid. We had just moved to a new place and I was even more lonely than usual being an only child. Desperate to make a friend, any friend, I spotted a kid. He was a little younger than me, perhaps barely four. He was playing by himself in his yard. I was so excited! He could be my new friend. Nay, my BEST friend! I saw the potential in our long friendship. I saw the future and knew how close we would always be. He would be like my Brother, standing tall through thick and thin. My approach must be perfect. I have to impress him, make him so in awe of me that he would instantly recognize how cool I am. But what? What do I say? What could instantly enamor him to me? I had to think. Then It hit me! What is the coolest thing I know? WHO, is the coolest person alive? Aha! Quickly I ran across the endless yard, the vast wasteland dividing me from my soon to be best friend. He didn't see me as I ran up but that didn't matter because soon enough we would be playing and enjoying our perfect day. Moments later, I had finally arrived. I stopped. he looked up. In that instant I ripped off my shirt, flexed, and loudly growled bearing my teeth. Oh how the Hulk would have been proud of me! The only difference between my hero and I, was that I was only slightly smaller (relatively) and had no green complexion. Oh how my new friend must be impressed..... Alas... Tears were streaming down his cheeks and he was screaming louder than anyone I have ever heard. he ran from me as fast as he could, begging for his Mother to help him. But..but..didn't he understand? Speaking of Mothers, mine saw the whole thing from the kitchen window. She was none too happy with the little pale skinned Hulk she had spawned. I must have tried to explain myself, but I never was able to get her to understand. I got to know the quaint confines of my new room fairly well over the next couple of days. TV also was not an option during that time. I never did get to learn that kid's name, and sadly we never became the bosom buddies I had envisioned. Lesson? Super heroes sometimes don't make for great friends. It's usually just best to remain the mild mannered alter ego. 17: I was on the set of Rose Red and to this day I still feel jipped that I didn't get to meet Emily Deschanel, Melanie Lynskey, or Nancy Travis. I'm sure they would have loved me (personal opinion, not fact...sorry) 
18: I was a stupid child. I said, did, and thought some of the stupidest things.*
Examples: In the third grade, people were so excited that The Sound of Music was going to be on TV, that it dominated almost every conversation at All Saints Catholic School that day. After hearing about it numerous times and finally understanding what a big deal it was, I remember thinking (thankfully) to myself " Cool! I hope Michael Jackson is on." While trying to impress a girl who had just told me that people called her "Deanna Banana" (a cute, rhyming nickname probably given to her by her family), not wanting to be outdone, and thinking this was my chance, I quickly responded by saying people called me "Michael Apple". The look of confused pity, and the fake uncomfortable laugh had me puzzled for sometime after that. I still cringe as to how stupid I sounded and looked.** I once believed that cloud formation was caused by angry people who would throw mashed potatoes into the sky. * I don't believe much has changed. I still manage to have stupid things slip out of my head via my mouth, to where the World can hear and judge me. ** My birth name was Michael. I changed it to David in the second grade. 19: Several years ago I was essentially homeless even though I had a roof over my head. For an entire Winter and Spring I was in a house with no heat, power or water. I had nothing but a roof. I would have to go to Fife when I could and use the Showers at the Flying J (or occasionally a Friend’s house). I would also have to use the bathroom at the Albertsons down the street. I entertained myself by listening to "All Comedy Radio" during the frozen nights under many blankets and many layers of clothes, surviving off of Dollar Store ready to eat foods like chips, fake pop tarts, granola bars, and canned fruit. This was after I was laid off and couldn't find a Job. It was at a time when no one could find work, Unemployment benefits were cut and the Federal extensions were denied. I was selling or pawning everything I had of value and spent my coin collections. That is, until the house was broken into and what I had left was stolen or destroyed. My health was deteriorating. Even though the Anxiety and Panic Attacks started in 1989, this was the point where they were becoming worse and an almost daily occurrence. This was also at my Agoraphobic onset and it was getting harder for me to go anywhere or do anything. I got a little better after I was able to get a real place to live, and managed to live an almost a normal life for a couple of more years but unfortunately it was with help from the State, which was never easy to obtain, nor was it consistently there. I hid some of it fairly well but every day I lived in fear and it was a struggle. I have never fully recovered and I'm not sure if I ever will. I was close to the edge a few times. The only way I survived was through the kindness of a few friends and family. Even if they don't know how bad it was for me, I can never truly repay their kindness. Lesson? My life may not be perfect, but when I remember those horrible and embarrassing days, and think of where I am at now, it isn't so bad, at least comparatively. 
20: After every viewing of The Outlaw Josey Wales, for several days I walk around making sounds like I am wearing spurs. I don't know why I do it, but this has been going on for over 22 years.
21: I have never sought the approval of my Father, and I never will. It is not out of spite or anger, it is just the way things are. We have both made our mistakes with one another and will always remain strangers regardless of how much time we could ever spend in the same room. 22: When I was a kid, I was a huge wrestling fan. My favorites were Roddy Piper, Macho Man, The Hart Foundation and The Road Warriors. I wanted to become a professional wrestler in the WWF tag division, becoming tag team champions. Our name was going to be called Damage Incorporated, after the Metallica song. Those are just a few things about me. I will do my best to write something soon (hopefully) that will actually be worth reading. Until then, Thanks for your time. |
10/31/14
There is an addendum to Number 21. My Father and I have begun to talk often earlier this year. I have enjoyed those conversations a great deal. We could both try to talk a little more frequently, sure. But compared to what is was in the past? It's practically as though we can't shut up.
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