[This is many weeks late. My apologies to the 2/3 of dozen people who were waiting on it. I have been fairly busy and after you finish this you shall understand why.]
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| Galisteo St, Santa Fe (image credit: D.L. Mavrikakis) |
A Night To Forget
I thought about her all through the rest of the day and well into the next. Deciding I could not pass this opportunity up I scrambled to see if I could borrow the money -I was also offering collateral up front- and a friend offered to help me out.
Wednesday and Tuesday were out of the question. So Nubs and I planned on heading back up the following Thursday. There was an attempt to change her shift at work or get it covered. All we needed was an hour's difference at the beginning or end of her shift and we'd be on our way!
Sadly, Nubs was unable to adjust her schedule. This was heartbreaking for a few reasons. One, I was looking forward to another trip with her as my copilot and companion, because I enjoy her company immensely. Two, because I had no one else to go with me, which means I would most likely miss my chance to purchase that beautiful hardware. At least... this is what I thought temporarily.
I deliberated with myself and finally came to the only conclusion. I decided to do my best to suppress my fears, my anxiety, and attempt to make this trip to Santa Fe all by myself!
If I thought the night before the trip Nubs and I took was difficult, I was rudely educated at how wrong I was on this night. I did not sleep but perhaps eighty minutes. I was up at a little after 1:00am and all I could do for the next seven hours was anguish over what I was about to attempt. It weighed so heavy on my mind that at times I felt I would be sick.
I showered and reluctantly got dressed.
I couldn't eat, I couldn't concentrate on a book, or a movie. I just paced. Occasionally I would lie back down, only to toss and turn for thirty minutes at a time before I had to get up and pace some more. I began to shake and could feel the anxiety rise within me!
Hours seemed like days. The clock getting heavy and dragging me down every time I looked at my pocket watch. I finally had to get out of the house. So, I got in my car and sat there, yet I no not for how long.
Eventually starting the engine, I drove off. Wandering the empty roads of the West Side and Rio Rancho I didn't really know what I was doing and had no destination. There were still hours to go. "Starbucks", I thought, "would be open soon." So naturally that's where I went to kill some time.
The next few hours were more or less just me getting more and more worked up, wondering how long before a panic attack would finally arrive. That's pretty much what I had been waiting for all night and morning. Still, one wasn't to be found.
I could take no more and left to get to where I was meeting up with my friend who was giving me the loan. I was of course substantially early, which was not necessarily a good thing. Why? Because they would be about an hour late, which meant I was sitting there for over an hour and a half, getting more worked up over the whole thing.
I now had my loan, then Nubs met up with me before she went to work. She found an anxiety filled man staring off into space. I didn't even know she had pulled up. I heard her voice off in the distance. It bought me out of my stupor. The second I had come to, the recognition of her voice calmed me immensely. There was my friend, smiling at me. Excited for what I was about to do. I suddenly knew I would be ok. A quick hug assured me of this. Or so I was hoping.
We chatted briefly and I became more relaxed in her presence. The russet eyes, dark hair, and blinding smile. They all helped me to yet again feel more brave than I probably am. I thanked her for meeting up with me. Another hug, she wished me good luck, stated her confidence in me, and we parted ways.
Pleasant Surprises
I was no longer shaking owning to Nubs' calming effect on me, and about two miles down Unser I suddenly felt great! In fact I was grinnin' like an idiot!
This time, Motorhead was definitely serenading me through the speakers on this trip. I couldn't believe how my fearful anxiety turned to the all too normal and comparably innocent type of the purely excitement based variety of anxiety. This was down right fun!
I got to Bernalillo and thought that this would be where it hits, once I get onto I-25. As was the case three days prior. nothing.
I kept driving North and the further I got the more excited I became. It was as though I was granted a reprieve from some huge burden forced upon me. I watched the beautiful high desert scenery pass me by, feeling great joy as it did.
I arrived in Santa Fe with the most minor of moments along the way containing minute amounts of anxiety...nearly imperceptible!
I went directly to where I needed to be. There was to be no sight seeing or lollygagging on this trip. It was strictly for one reason and I was all business. I walked in and there she was, waiting for me.
Information was given, approval was granted, and products were purchased to go along with my beautiful new friend....
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| Here she is. The elegant one, Clarice. |
Back Home and A New Beginning
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Romero St, Old Town Albuquerque
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Once I had her I quickly returned to Albuquerque. Nubs got to check her out and they seemed to like each other very much! A few more friends got to see her over the next couple of days as well.
I had slept quite a bit the next few days. That week was a very busy and stressful one. It had taken a great toll on me. But an amazing thing happened once I had received my much needed rest. There was a new found fire in me.
Suddenly I found myself needing more. I was now expecting more. I felt I was being pulled. I was restless. Before I knew it I was exploring the areas around me. Into the desert to shoot Clarice on some days, and exploring Albuquerque on others.
Over the next few weeks I was all over the place, doing things I hadn't been able to do in years. I had neglected my home Starbucks but it was ok because I was doing so much. Sure, the one drawback to that is that I haven't seen Nubs during this time. I miss my friend but I have a good reason. I'm expanding my world. I will see my friend again soon. I hope she can forgive my absence -although I'm quite sure she's been busy too-
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Old Town History Sign, Spanish Side
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I am planing to do much more. There are still mental obstacles in my way but I am working on them, Or "rehabbing" as I guess it is technically called. Money is also a big factor in holding me back. Perhaps soon I can begin to also do a little work. Not only to improve myself but to make a few bucks so I can attempt to do more,
All these new things I have suddenly been able to accomplish, to do, these chains I have broken? These are largely due to Nubs. Without her influence on me, her encouragement -verbally or merely implied- I don't think I would be this far along. Starting last October, as we became good friends, she has been driving me -whether she knows it or not- to become a better man, in so many ways.
Nubs, I will always be grateful to you. "Daves" shall never forget. Thank you.
And I thank the rest of you for your time
David
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